Who are you? I remember wondering as I looked into the face of my young son. It was the moment when I first began to face the reality of the adoption journey and how it was different from my expectations.
Long before I had a chance to get to know my son, I had created an unrealistic picture about who he would be. On top of that, I expected the adoption journey to be relatively easy once we brought our son home. Indeed, I'd convinced myself that adoption was little more than a historical fact of how a family came to be, not on ongoing journey.
True, all parents start out with some unrealistic expectations. But for adoptive families, these unfulfilled expectations cal lead to disappointment and even disconnection between parents and children. When a child's history of pain and loss begins to depart from what parent's expected their adoption journey to look like, parents can be tempted to protect their wishful assumptions rather than acknowledge their child's history and feelings. When a child's behaviors begin to collide with the "way we do things as a family," parents can find themselves quickly nearing the pint of despair.
I know these expectations well. When faced with this reality, my instinct was to respond by looking at my child and pointing accusing fingers as if to ask, "What's wrong with you?"
As I began to lay down my assumptions, I discovered that my calling as an adoptive parent was to meet my child where he was.
The adoption journey invites parents to move beyond what we want and embrace what our children need. And as we let go of our expectations, we find that God's desires for us and our family are so much greater than what we ever anticipated.
In both the good times and bad, in both the joy and the pain, God is writing a story of hope, redemption and love within our lives
. I am still learning who my son is. And I have come to see that he doesn't have to become more like me or even who I thought he would be in order for our family to become the "we" that God intended.
(From Article "Adoption in Real Life" by Katie Overstreet in October/November 2012 Issue
Thriving Family, a free magazine published by Focus on the Family. Bold added for emphasis. Michael Monroe and his wife, Amy, lead Tapestry Adoption and Foster Care Ministry.)
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Our Weakness, His Power by Kelly Rosati
After adopting two children through foster care, my husband, John, and I thought our family was complete. But we soon felt that God had other plans, that He wanted us to continue growing our family through adoption.
We had many objections, of course: We already have two kids. Will we be able to give them enough attention and care? Life with Daniel and Anna is great. Why would we go through the adoption the difficult process again?
Those were all reasonable concerns. But at the end of the day none seemed as important as our continued sense of God's leading.
We talked to Daniel and Anna, of course, who supported the idea form the get-go. "Well, we have a family," they said. "They can come live with us!"
Daniel's and Anna's compassionate attitudes at such young ages helped us cut through the clutter in our own minds. God so often speaks through children.
Eight months later, we finalized the adoption of our son Joshua. For Joshua, there would be no more moves. No more Trauma. No more uncertain future. He was home. And John and I were feeling...despondent.
Yes, you read that right. A mysterious despair had crept into our hearts and minds. And then we had guilt from our feelings of despondency. Why should we have such feelings?
The unfortunate truth is that the pain and difficulty associated with a child's past, and how the family must face it, are rarely discussed. There is shame involved, ant that shame leads to isolation and silence--the opposite of God's plan for our lives.
I think John and I felt pressure to act as though everything were fine. Somehow we felt these emotional struggles indicated that we'd lost faith. Looking back, we know that this kind of thinking wasn't true, but it sure felt true at the time.
It took many months before our feelings returned to normal. But God used that exceedingly painful and unwanted period to continue teaching us that we live by faith, not by feelings.
Having gone through that difficult experience, John and I think that folks going through the same thing need to reach out and talk to others, seek professional help or join a support group. We know from Scriptures that God's grace is sufficient for us and that His power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). He can and will work through our weakness.
(From Article "Adoption in Real Life" by Katie Overstreet in October/November 2012 Issue Thriving Family, a free magazine published by Focus on the Family. Read more about Kelly and John Rosati in Wait No More: One Family's Amazing Adoption Journey. )
We had many objections, of course: We already have two kids. Will we be able to give them enough attention and care? Life with Daniel and Anna is great. Why would we go through the adoption the difficult process again?
Those were all reasonable concerns. But at the end of the day none seemed as important as our continued sense of God's leading.
We talked to Daniel and Anna, of course, who supported the idea form the get-go. "Well, we have a family," they said. "They can come live with us!"
Daniel's and Anna's compassionate attitudes at such young ages helped us cut through the clutter in our own minds. God so often speaks through children.
Eight months later, we finalized the adoption of our son Joshua. For Joshua, there would be no more moves. No more Trauma. No more uncertain future. He was home. And John and I were feeling...despondent.
Yes, you read that right. A mysterious despair had crept into our hearts and minds. And then we had guilt from our feelings of despondency. Why should we have such feelings?
The unfortunate truth is that the pain and difficulty associated with a child's past, and how the family must face it, are rarely discussed. There is shame involved, ant that shame leads to isolation and silence--the opposite of God's plan for our lives.
I think John and I felt pressure to act as though everything were fine. Somehow we felt these emotional struggles indicated that we'd lost faith. Looking back, we know that this kind of thinking wasn't true, but it sure felt true at the time.
It took many months before our feelings returned to normal. But God used that exceedingly painful and unwanted period to continue teaching us that we live by faith, not by feelings.
Having gone through that difficult experience, John and I think that folks going through the same thing need to reach out and talk to others, seek professional help or join a support group. We know from Scriptures that God's grace is sufficient for us and that His power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). He can and will work through our weakness.
(From Article "Adoption in Real Life" by Katie Overstreet in October/November 2012 Issue Thriving Family, a free magazine published by Focus on the Family. Read more about Kelly and John Rosati in Wait No More: One Family's Amazing Adoption Journey. )
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Ophan Sunday: November 4, 2012
Adoption Sunday will quickly be here. Check out the Orphan Sunday Website for resources for your church.
Also, Hope for Orphans is offering free If You Were Mine DVD Workshops ($100 value) to the first 500 people to register an event.
More resources are available from An Orphan's Wish.
Story of God's Provision: Harper's Adoption
Guest Post by Nichole Peske
Bring our Children Home
Sweet, sweet video.
(Katie writing now.)
Not a typical guest post - only a
title, 3 words and a video. But I just had to share, because I love
songs about adoption! Thank you Nicole for sharing this song on your blog and allowing me to guest post it here!
This song encourages me! God is faithful and sure. He is able. Even now, He sees the future and He sees our children! He is making the way for our children to come home! I praise You for Your goodness, God our Father!
This song encourages me! God is faithful and sure. He is able. Even now, He sees the future and He sees our children! He is making the way for our children to come home! I praise You for Your goodness, God our Father!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Guest Post: Can We Afford It? by Rebekah
UPDATE: Rebekah and Will brought home their baby boy Ethiopia in May of 2012. This blog post was originally posted in June 2010. Here is a picture of their beautiful family on Gotcha Day!
Can We Afford It?
For a big dose of self-disclosure, let me show you the path that Will and I have been on since our sweet wedding day on February 28, 2009 (yes, a mere year and four months ago).
We were married and then I joined Will up in NC, as he is a grad student at Southeastern Baptist Seminary. Thanks to the GENEROUS support of our parents, we had no debt from college and no car payments. The day we went to join our bank accounts I had $50 to contribute ("oops, thought it was more than that, honey".) He was a mailman that made $100 a week, and I had no job for almost THREE MONTHS! We were broke, living off gift cards and our savings account.
Finally, I got a part-time job making $7/hr..... and lost it 3 months later. Will took a job painting apartments all summer, and I got a new full-time job (my current job) in August. We tried to live off of just my income, practice frugality, and save everything that Will made as a painter.... and what do you know, a few months later, to our complete surprise, we had enough money to start an adoption. Who knew?.... not us!
Will is still in grad school, he works 2 part-time jobs and I have my full-time job (plus a little bit of money made from selling craft stuff). We are not living the high life, but we have not once lacked the resources to eat or have shelter. God has provided us with discipline to save, the magical start-up money from our savings this last year (that has already gone to pay for the first half of our adoption fees), and the community that is so supportive.
Now, can I look ahead at the $10,000 or so that we have left to pay, and tell you exactly where/how it will appear? No. But do I have faith that God WILL provide? Heck yes. He always has. He loves this baby even more than we do, and there are many days that we weep for him/her and ache to hold our baby and show it the love of a parent.
So, if you are considering adoption, go for it! Do what you can to save, live a financially disciplined life, and seek God's will for your family. Pray for wisdom and discernment on what you can cut back within your budget. Give generously to your church and to the needs around you, and trust that God will provide for you just the same.
God's calling is clear: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27
" When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
"Then the King will say to those on his
right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance,
the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was
hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me
something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed
clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in
prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then
the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and
feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see
you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?
When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The
King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the
least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Then he will say to
those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal
fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you
gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I
was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you
did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after
me.'
"They also will answer,
'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing
clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' He will reply, 'I
tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of
these, you did not do for me.' Then they will go away to eternal
punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."
Matthew 25:31-46Originally Posted by Rebekah on Monday, June 21, 2010 (http://yestoadoption.blogspot.com/2010/06/can-we-afford-it.html)
Comments from Rebekah's Blog
JonesEthiopiaJune 21, 2010 8:53 PM
I
found that with both adoptions, the money was just there when we needed
it. I'm not saying we didn't save and sacrifice for our adoptions.
But I'm saying that I knew that adoption was what we were supposed to be
doing and that it would all work out fine in the end because of that.
Praise
the Lord! I just posted something like this a couple days ago. Your
story is similar to ours. We managed to save over $10,000 before we
applied to adopt. I don't work and my husband is working part time as a
pastor and part time at the USPS. Though both of them end up being more
than part time, ha. But we are very much relying on God's faithful
provision for us because we have no idea where the rest is going to come
from!
Affording Adoption (Katie Writing Now)
If you are considering adoption, but don't think you can afford it. Give adoption another thought. Here are somethings to look consider:
Affording Adoption (Katie Writing Now)
If you are considering adoption, but don't think you can afford it. Give adoption another thought. Here are somethings to look consider:
- Check out these websites/blogs all about affording adoption: Adopting Without Debt; Resources4Adoption
- Remember cost of adoption varies greatly by country and by adoption agency. Make sure the agency you are considering is a licensed non-profit. Check out some different countries that may have less cost.
- Apply for Grants.
- Grant organizations for all types of adoption: Affording Adoption Foundation; Gift of Adoption Fund; National Adoption Foundation; Sea of Faces Foundation; The Sparrow Fund; Show Hope; The OATH Ministry; Help US Adopt; A Child Awaits Foundation
- Matching grants for adoption: LifeSong for Orphans; We Care for Orphans Adoption Fund; Katelyn's Fund Orphan Ministry; God's Grace Adoption Ministry
- Grants for special needs adoption: Brittany's Hope;
- There are all kinds of creative fundraisers out there, but my favorite is Both Hands Foundation. The average amount raised by a family who does a both hands project is $10,000. In the past year alone Both Hands has raised over a million dollars for adopting families.
- Many employers offer adoption benefits and will reimburse some of your adoption expenses. Check out this list of the Top 100 Adoption Friendly Work Places. Who knew places like Wendy's and Starbucks would help pay for your adoption?! The company you work for doesn't have adoption benefits? Find out how to ask you employer for adoption benefits here.
- Advocate for the adoption tax credit. It is expiring this year, but current bills in congress could make the adoption tax credit permanent and refundable. (See this website for more information: http://adoptiontaxcredit.org/)
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Guest Post: Just One Makes a Difference by Nancy Barlow
Just one makes a difference
(Photo courtesy of Life for relief and development)
This child drew a picture on the floor of his Momma for comfort. Look at the one arm up to hold him.
BREAKS MY HEART!
The truth is I am the same as you.
Except, maybe I don't go to church as often as you.
Except, I am not a good Christian (but I do try) and some days I am not as nice as I should be.
Except, I have some major selfish moments where I take a bath for 30 minutes to unwind.
Except, we don't make great money compared to the rest of the USA, but we do compared to the world.
The difference people see is when I
was asked to adopt, I said yes. Not because we are special or different,
just because I knew that the love I had even if I am not a perfect
parent, is better than not having a mommy and daddy.
I said yes so at least one child
would truly know the love of a Mommy and Daddy. I said yes even if it
means we don’t get to go on that Disney cruise we really wanted to go
on. I said yes, even if it means my husband’s 8 year old car has to last
another 2. I said yes even if it means my car has to last 5 more years.
I said yes, even if it means the plan I had for our future won’t work
now. I said yes because of Allison.
Each horrible story I heard all I
had to do was look at my daughter and I knew I had to say yes. If I
died, would you say yes to helping Allison? Then
why do you say no to all the other children. They aren't as cute as
Allison? They aren't as funny? Why would you accept my child as yours,
but turn your back on a million other children.
If I hear one more time, we can't
save them all I will scream! God never said one person must save them
all. He commands that EACH of us do our part. If you can't adopt,
volunteer with inner city children. Be a big brother or a big sister.
Skip one meal a week and donate to a family that is adopting. Make a
meal for a family coming home from adoption, offer to watch their other
children just for two hours so Mom and Dad can have a moment alone. (A
baby sitter is a luxury we can't pay for right now) Donate something to
help the family raise money. Get some stuff together and donate it to a
young mother.
You can help!
JUST ONE MAKES A DIFFERENCE.Nancy Barlow (http://www.tinypieceofheaven.blogspot.com)
It is me, Katie, again.
Since "going public" with our decision to adopt we have gotten many different reactions. From wondering if we can have biological kids to congratulations and much excitement. Some people also express their desire to adopt and explain the hurdles of why they aren't. Others express that they think it is so wonderful that we are adopting.
I want to say what Nancy Barlow says: "The truth is I am the same as you.....when I was asked to adopt, I said yes. Not because we are special or different, just because I knew that the love I had even if I am not a perfect parent, is better than not having a mommy and daddy."
Adoption from God's Eyes
As we share our news of choosing to adopt, people are wondering "why?". I would probably be curious too. Part of our journey to adoption was finding God's heart for adoption. Not only is Scripture is full of God's loving care for the orphan, but also God uses the metaphor of adoption to describe how He took us in and made us His child.
Verse about God's Care for the orphan.
In you the orphan finds mercy.
Hosea 14:3
Never take advantage of any widow or orphan. If you do and they cry out to me, you can be sure that I will hear their cry.
Exodus 22:22-23
You are the helper of the fatherless. LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will prepare their heart; You will cause Your ear to hear, To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, That the man of the earth may oppress no more.
Psalms 10:14,17-18
Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families.
Psalms 68:5-6
Verses Asking Us to Care for the Orphan
Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.
James 1:27
When you are harvesting your crops and forget to bring in a bundle of grain from your field, don’t go back to get it. Leave it for the foreigners, orphans, and widows. Then the LORD your God will bless you in all you do.
Deuteronomy 24:19
Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows.
Isaiah 1:17
Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice.
Proverbs 31:8-9
And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.
Matthew 18:5
I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these, my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!
Matthew 25:40
I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist them. Job 29:12
I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist them. Job 29:12
Verses about God adopting us as His children
For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father.
Romans 8:14-16
But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons.
Galatians 4:4-6
We
know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of
childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves,
who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we
wait eagerly for our adoption
as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved.
But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already
has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it
patiently.
Romans 8:22-26
People Adopted in Scripture
Jesus - Joseph adopted Jesus as his son
Moses - was raised by Pharaoh's daughter
Esther - Esther was adopted by her Cousin/Uncle Mordecai
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