Tonight, I have a lonely little ache in my heart for two very special little people I have never even met. As I type, a tear trickles down my cheek.
Today, I watched happy mommas playing with and caring for their children. I listened as the mommas discuss what they are getting their children for Christmas, and I think about how we won't be celebrating Christmas with our children this year. I wonder, when will it be my turn to hug and kiss my little ones? I have a lonely ache for the sound of children's chatter and laughter, the patter of little feet. My mother's heart longs for my children - to see them and feel their soft skin, to hold them in my arms.
In this adoption process, I miss the physical connection that a pregnant mommy must feel for her child. She has a growing tummy; I have a growing stack of paperwork. When she is far enough along, she will be able to get a sonogram and see her baby, and to hear her baby's heartbeat; when we are matched with our children, I will get an email with their pictures, perhaps. As her baby grows inside her, she will be able to feel the baby move and kick; I am thousands of miles from my children and can only dream of them. (I must be slightly jealous of pregnant women, getting to have their babies grow in them. Of course adoption has its advantages too--Like not having to go through labor and delivery.)
Tonight, I will go to sleep missing my children, yet unknown to me. Perhaps in my sleep I can dream of them. Good night.